mindful and kindful

Author Archives: lulu.wren@gmail.com

Mother of Boys

mob logo

What’s it like to have 700 mother of boys together … noisy!!!.

Recently I went to a fantastic lunch run by Mothers of Boys.  That’s right, not one daughter amongst us.  There was huge demand as tickets sold out in just one hour.  A wonderful event for mothers of boys to bond together and talk about our experiences.

My experience, prior to attending this event, had been a big journey where I had many personal insights.

When we were expecting our first son, we chose not to find out the sex and his arrival was the best day of my life. For our second baby, I fell pregnant very quickly and convinced my husband to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.  When I found out he was a boy, I felt sad, but immediately I was thinking of #3.

In preparation for our darling third child, we did lots to sway things in favor of having a girl (I was leading this, with my partner reluctantly participating).  I changed my diet dramatically, took daily potions, implemented strategies and timing, temperature, position etc.  At 12 weeks, I sought out an ultra sound operator who could tell gender this early.  When she told me I was having another boy, tears immediately started flowing  I tried desperately to pretend and pull myself together.

During the rest of the pregnancy, I cried more, and often.  Everywhere I went, I noticed cute girls clothes in shops, sweet little baby girls when out and about.  I noted when someone I meet had a daughter.  I read forums and books about gender disappointment and talked to lovely supportive mothers of boys.

I knew with all my heart that I loved this precious baby inside me, I was just filled with sadness for what I would miss out on … pink, dance lessons, fun times together, mother of bride, etc. At the same time I felt very grateful for having 2 healthy children, and another on the way, but I was grappling with such overwhelming feelings of disappointment that I would never have my much dreamt about daughter called Kate.

During clearer moments, I could see through my fantasy that having a girl would be sugar and spice and all things nice.   I could see how much expectation I was putting on her.  I’ve worked on getting to the bottom of why I wanted a daughter so much.  I think it was for the connection and communion, and a way to access my femininity.

Over the years I’ve received so much wonderful advice – “Everything you would have done with a daughter – do for yourself”, “If you’d had a daughter, you may never have made the journey inwards to discover yourself”. I’ve come to my own insight that nothing outside myself, even a daughter, would bring me the happiness and peace I craved.  I feel it is my life lesson.

Over the 7 years since my youngest son was born, every year, the pain and disappointment has lessened.  In our family we joke about how it’s better to have boys.  For example –

  • I don’t have to do hair for school
  • They can pee at the park
  • We can pass on clothes down the line

But still, every time I met a new family who had a daughter, something almost automatic would say in my head “they are so lucky”, or if I saw a sweet little girl at the shops, think,  “I’ve missed out”.  It was an unconscious habit I’d gotten into. These little stories I told myself didn’t upset me, but they had an effect on me and my energy.

Over the past few months, I feel I’ve made huge leaps forward.

It started with a Byron Katie worksheet on the thought ,”My Life would have been better, easier and more fun if I’d had a daughter”.  In Byron Katie’s Work, you meditate on four questions,

Is it True?

How do you react when you have that thought?

Who would you be without that thought?

Then Turnarounds/ opposites.  My first turnaround – “life would NOT have been better, easier, and more fun”.  I’ve heard that sentiment before and it didn’t have much impact.

Then I found another Turnaround – “Life would be worse, harder and less fun with a daughter”. This time I felt it in all my cells .. my life could have been WORSE.

A few weeks later when I attended the MOB lunch, I dropped into a deeper level of acceptance and shift towards feeling proud to be the mother of 3 boys.  Then we went to the open day of the boys only High School that my oldest son will attend next year.  It was great to see all these young men touring us around and the staff continually saying “your son”.  I can see it is going to be nurturing for ME and my boys to be surrounded by all these amazing boys/young men.

I am so grateful to now feel so content in this area of my life.  I’ve heard Byron Katie say, its like untying the knots .. untying all the untrue beliefs and thoughts that were making me miserable.  Byron Katie also says that everything is happening FOR you, so having 3 boys was organised FOR me to have this wonderful life experience.   Miraculously, those automatic thoughts of,  “I’ve missed out” have simply let go of me.

If you are grappling with feelings of gender disappointment, know you are not alone.  Be gentle and kind to yourself with your feelings.  I can tell you from my experience that these feelings do change … maybe not go away completely, but they will change.

I am looking forward to every day and every year feeling more pride and satisfaction of having our 3 amazing boys.


Learn Nothing New – my Challenge for March

Learn Nothing New – my Challenge for March

I’m halfway through my first month long challenge – Learn Nothing New. I’ve taken on this challenge to break my addiction and overconsumption of information.  My objective is to consume less and create more … and listen to my own wisdom instead of other peoples.  The challenge felt very, … well, challenging!  But I feltContinue Reading

A wave of awesomeness

A wave of awesomeness

The big message I’ve been getting lately is to follow my intuition (even if fear comes up).  The outcome … BIG rewards for me.  One of the most amazing experiences was meeting my food hero Sarah Wilson from“I Quit Sugar” guru a few months ago. Let’s start this story at the beginning…  A while ago, IContinue Reading

One Year of Yoga

I made it.  I wanted to see how my body would change if I gave yoga a real go.  Now, 1 year and 137 hot yoga classes later, I can talk about my experience and how it feels in my body. In the past I was a bit fearful of yoga – all that flexibilityContinue Reading

I have a voice

I had an amazing coaching session with Elizabeth Saunders and she helped me uncover WHY YOU HAVEN’T HEARD FROM ME FOR SO LONG!!  I haven’t written a blog post the whole of 2015.  Why?  Elizabeth helped me see I was scared. And my fears were paralising me. My mean girl was saying “you don’t haveContinue Reading

My self kindness journey

My self kindness journey

The word “kindness” has always felt great to me.  Loving Kindness to others is amazing and feels so good. But a wonderful thing has been happening for me lately … SELF kindness has been soaking into me  … being exceptionally kind and gentle to myself with self forgiveness, self acceptance and self compassion .. and treatingContinue Reading

L for Love, Lulu and Leanne

L for Love, Lulu and Leanne

When I was born, my parents named me Leanne.  They loved having a daughter and loved the name.  I can’t remember when I first felt my name didn’t feel right, but when I was about eight, Mum told me she was close to calling me Andrea instead, I said “why didn’t you call me that!, it’sContinue Reading

my new affirmation

I’m so happy with my new affirmation.  My lovely counsellor Glenda helped me distill my dreams into this lovely list. It sums up all the important things to me. I am my authentic self. I accept and embrace all parts of me I am mindful, present and grateful. I live in my heart.

I’m Lulu. A woman, mother and wife, committed to living my most authentic, free and joyful life. The blog is my self expression along my journey.  

I am reminding myself and you, that:- We are amazing woman, we are magnificent, we are lovely and we are perfect, just as we are.

Sign up to receive my blog